DEAR WADENYA
Posted by AfricanTrumpet Admin | Posted in Personal,
I made a mistake marrying this man
Dear Wadenya,
I am 20yrs younger than my husband John, whom I met in Africa while he was on a three week Christmas vacation. He told me that he divorced his wife because she did not behave like an African wife.
He wanted to remarry a nurse or someone willing to attend nursing school before his return to the USA. He had three grown kids with his wife. When I stared at him, I saw an opportunity to financially improve my life and that of my family. I convinced myself to marry John and become a nurse. After all I had seen people who barely passed our local exams in Africa become nurses in USA and earn some respect back in the village. I was very confident that I would excel in the USA, if success was based on academics, my straight A grades in school were ready to pay off. Poverty had tormented me for too long. I was moving to a higher class! Although, I barely knew John, I was certain that I belonged in USA. MY FAMILY was on cloud nine, they saw the prospect of moving to USA was closer than before. I would be that link between USA and poverty, they encouraged me to marry John and dump my boy friend Fred of 3yrs.It was obvious that the poverty syndrome, was a generational and permanent guest in his home...I arrived in the USA with a fiancée visa 6 months after I met John and after a gunshot traditional marriage, which I must say felt very weird.
Prior to my arrival John and I spoke frequently on the phone. I was excited about coming to USA and I agreed to everything John said for fear of losing my opportunity to move to the USA. I however, did not feel any love for him, I told myself that love would grow. Things would change once I arrived in USA.
When I saw john at the airport, I realized my excitement was not because I longed to be in John's arms but rather seeing USA. When I saw John I knew that I could never love him. He looked older than he did when he was in Africa. I immediately set an escape plan in motion. I would tolerate him until after I got my papers and disappear as many women have done in such circumstances. I was well schooled back home on how to survive and handle this type of man, and I was prepared. The game plan was to be cool until I got my papers, become a nurse and work overtime, save my money and marry Fred, in the meantime I was not considering having a baby with john. I told my parents about my plans and they supported me and played along with my marriage to John. My father is only concerned about the money I promised to mail to him, my mom about clothing and my brothers about opening a business and coming to USA.
Things have not worked out as planned, John too was schooled about my type of woman and is not rushing to process my papers, he has asked that I study a CNA course and paysome bills (how do I send money home) His plan is that after I am done wth the CNA program, I will be better equipped for the real nursing school and work part time while I attend nursing school full time.
John is an engineer who worked to support himself through school and is frugal...At times I feel that he is punishing me and when I express my feelings to him , what he says is that, he wants to teach me responsibilities and complains that I am too lavish. But can you blame me for wanting the best in life.
John and I have nothing in common. I am a little rebellious and he has informed me that if I do not wish to listen to his advise and or cut down on my expenses, he can buy me a one way ticket back to Africa and has also threatened not to complete my green card process. My parents insist that I should not return home. I recently heard that Fred won the Green card lottery and is in the USA, I attempted to reach him through his cousin but he wants no part of me... I am so miserable. USA is really hard and I have no one to help me.
John has informed that his children do not want to visit the house because of my attitude and that he is not interested in the marriage anymore, in fact he does not even come home early after work. Some friends have advised me to get pregnant, but how do I do this when we do not sleep together anymore and will this save my marriage? Going back to Africa is not an option. Please help me.
Frustrated in USA
Dear Frustrated in USA,
I do not know what type of help you need from me. Just remember "what a tangle of web we weave when we first practice to deceive." You married a man 20yrs your senior for the wrong reason,you were not honest and you are willing to use your body to get what you want. What do you call that type of a person? Well...
John was not looking for a wife but a nurse and you are not a nurse, at least he made himself clear. You are not married, because what you defined is not marriage but rather a convenient arrangement until you cash in besides that pregnancy trap does not weigh for everyone. You are in this mess because of listening to people who are leading you to the slaughter house.
The conduct of your family sums up what is wrong with your marriage. Why do you have to clean out your husband's bank account and take it to your family? Can't your father be a man and work for his upkeep? John has the upper hand since you have a fiancée visa and he probably was not sure about you and that is probably why he has not processed your papers and is not sharing your bed.
I do not know the reason why a man 20 years older than a woman with grown up kids is doing with you. if you ask my opinion it could be for his ego or control. He should have married a mature woman for companionship and one who can contribute financially, intellectually and emotionally. A woman who can make decisions on her own and not rely on others. But that is another story.
My suggestion is simple; Stop using your body to get things from men... you know what they call that type of women.
Secondly take charge of your own life and stop allowing your family and friends into your business, (this definitely is not a marriage) you can discuss how you screwed up and ask him for forgiveness but for now give him space to get over the hurt...why do you want someone to take care of you, have you not heard that
success is sweeter when one sweats for it. I wonder if
poverty in your home is a result of laziness? Get up and hassle like everyone else in America. John needs to grow up and find someone his age and not his daughters age..
For your information, be a Nurse, Teacher, Doctor, Lawyer,Clerk because you want to be,but not to please anyone or to validate a man 's status.
Let John go to the nursing school and marry the building, if he is obsessed with a Nurse, or he can become one... Is this thing you call a relationship a game to both of you?
By the way ,is Africa the worst place in the universe for one to live? I am in with love with Africa ,a place so rich with culture. serenity, and memories so versed.The land of my ancestors. If we can all unite and make it a democratic place,we would all have access to the piece of the pie...I can’t wait to go back.!!!....
